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Decoding my Phone

I get ideas for articles or blogs all day long. The problem is, when I'm driving my truck around it's really hard to take my hands away from the wheel to do anything except masturbate. I could think up the funniest idea in the history of the entire planet and since I can't write it down, I have to try remember it. And since half of the time I'm thinking about girls I want to fuck and the other half I'm thinking about fucking those girls, trying to remember a joke about anything other than vaginas becomes difficult. How have I gotten around this problem? Sorry what? i was thinking about violating Shona in the butt. Oh yeah, the solution. I write them is my phone. Previously I had an extremely girly sidekick phone. Sure it made me look like a pretty pony princess everytime I got it out, but it has a full QWERTY keyboard and texts are free so shut the fuck up Fuckey Fuckerson. It has a notes section, and this is where I write down all the things I think of during the day, and yes, generally I'll typing it while steering the truck with my elbows. So if you are watching the news and you see a story about a truck careening through an orphanage killing all inside, the only survivor a mysterious sexy cape wearing stranger who fled the scene, it was probably me on the way home from the cape shop typing a text to the president of the National Cape Appreciation Society telling them to open up a place on the top 10 sexiest cape wearing strangers list. number 1 with a bullet baby. Or a speeding truck as the case may be. Anyway, I was looking back through this notes section the other day and reading through some of the older stuff for ideas for material. Now some of this stuff is good and it becomes blogs or articles that you've probably read on here. Some stuff isn't, and it still becomes blogs and articles you've probably read on here, and have hated. But then some OTHER stuff I write and forget all about and come back in a year and re read, and have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. These are a few of the more insane of those writings.

So I'm scrolling down the page and by itself in the middle of 2 giant paragraphs that I've used in blog posts, is a sentence that just reads "The Time Traveling Rapist". What? I have no idea that I'm expected to glean from the words "The Time Traveling Rapist". Frankly the only thing I could think about was the first rule of time travel that states: "if you gain the ability to travel through time, your first duty is to kill Hitler" rape doesn't even enter the rules top 10. But after mulling it over for a while I realised that my comedic genius knows no bounds. It might be the greatest idea of all time. Think about it. A man dedicates his life, learns math and sciences, spends years creating formulas and equations, then years more building and constructing. He spends all his money, loses his house, his wife leaves him, his children hate him, he sacrifices everything in his life that means anything; JUST so he can go and be a gross pervert through-out time. Think about it. It's the best. His first target? Gandhi.

The next thing I found was the sentence "Wrangler. Consider yourself wrangled". Again, what the fuck? I wracked my brain trying to think of what the shit this could possibly mean, but I came up with nothing. So I decided that I wasn't going to let retardation get in the way of something I obviously thought was funny a year ago and came up with this: You can make any insult twice as amazing by using the word "wrangler" as a suffix. Don't believe me? Well everybody has had to feel the devastating blow of being called a cunt. It cuts you to your very soul and you barely survive. Now imagine if someone called you a "cuntwrangler". Instagib. You just got 1 hit KO'd motherfucker(wrangler). So you call someone a "fagwrangler" then as they are reeling from the stinging rebuke, you let them know you ain't fucking around by following with "You just got wrangled, bitch". Then majestically twirl your cape and turn dramatically and walk away. That motherfucker will think twice next time he tries to step all up in your grill. Sick burn my friend.

Number three is fairly self explanatory "Your mum's a dimensional hotspot. She blew my mind, amongst other things". Yeah man, That's how I rolled a year and a half ago.

This next one makes no sense to me at all. "The Kenny Loggins experience. Funny boys" I cant even begin to imagine what the fuck I was talking about here, or in what way the Kenny Loggins experience can be classified as funny boys. Like the wrangler thing, I wracked my brains to figure it out and I got nowhere. What the fuck am I talking about? Is it the name of a Kenny Loggins tribute band I wanted to form? Sure, I love "Highway to the Dangerzone" as much as anyone who needs to psyche themselves up to fight a bear, I mean come on witness the lyrical genius of: "Out along the edges, always where I burn to be. The further on the edge, the hotter the intensity. HIGHHHHHWAYYYYY TO THE DANGERZONE!" That sound you just heard was YOUR FACE BEING ROCKED, check your pants because your balls just tripled in size, you now posses the ability to punch through a wall using only the power of your rad. Even so, why the fuck did I write this? It's been a few days since I read it and I still don't have any theories. Hopefully one day I will unlock the riddle of "The Kenny Loggins experience. Funny boys" and share its mysteries with the world, revealing the most important invention in comedy since the pie in face gag. Probably not though, more likely I will remember that it's one of the things I write down that would be awesome to scream while climaxing during sex. I don't want to give away all my screamy sex phrases and ruin the surprise for all you ladies out there.....oh maybe just one more. Two words: MORTAL KOMBAT!

More phone randomness: "My Kung Fu is the strongest" which it is, but why I felt the need to write it down is beyond me. Maybe I was subconsciously protecting myself against computer nerd ninjas, or "compuninj-ACK THE BACK OF MY NECK, WHAT IS THIS? A SHURIKEN WITH INBUILT BLUETOOTH? So...deadly...but so..cool......BLARGH" as all the kids are calling them these days, or would be if they weren't dead from neckwounds with amazing reception.

This last one I do remember writing and the circumstances in which I did, but even now I still feel a wave of shame and stupidity every time I read it. Ok, so one night I'm sleeping and I suddenly wake up with a start and realize I just thought of the funniest thing I've ever heard and I somehow laughed myself awake. So I reach for my phone and type it down and go back to sleep. I wake up in the morning and remember that last night I had constructed a comedic phrase so powerful it would shatter the primitive laugh centers of the human mind. I reach for my phone and read this masterpiece of hilarity: "You work three days and have three days off so it's three days on duty three days on booty". How......wha.....I don't even......WHAT? I read it and immediately knew that my life was a mess and every part of me was a lie. And that was the first time I died. Seriously, what? Even typing it here again now fills me with a sense of rage and disgust so powerful that I want to clone myself JUST so I can punch myself in the balls. That was the lowest point of my life, below my darkest suicidal depressions, below watching a mans head get severed in a car accident, below my dream woman choosing a Harvey Keitel looking lesbian over me, EVEN below that time someone called me a cuntwrangler. Also, three on duty and three on booty takes care of six days of the week, I guess on the seventh day I rested? Fuck I don't know, I can't bare to think about this anymore. I'm going to finish typing this article and go and stab myself in the eye with an icepick. And that was the second time I died.

So there you have it, some of the retarded things I write down and forget a year later. And if anyone from my work or, you know, any position of authority is reading this, when I say I typed this in my phone while driving, I of course mean I typed this in my phone while driving to rescue kittens from trees and while not actually driving at all. What I really need is a secretary sitting in the truck cab with me taking notes, although telling somebody I want them to write down "your mum is a dimensional hotspot" is probably a tough position to advertise on seek.com. Anyway, thanks for reading. Now I have to go and get cracking on that whole icepick in the eye thing. Seriously though, that time traveling rapist thing? Gold. I expect to have a 6 picture deal with Mirimax any day now. I'm thinking Steve Buscemi as the title character, watching him rape Julius Caesar would be equal parts disturbing and hilarious, and by equal parts I mean not equal parts, as there couldn't possibly be a more haunting scene than the guy from Fargo violating JC on floor of the Coliseum while gladiators hum some romantic Barry White music.