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Shortround

On this page we find a selection of quality tracks from my hit record "Songs in the key of lol". These were all written stream of consciousness style to get the juices flowing. And flowing they are, from where you don't want to know.

Advice to a pop starlett.

So I was listening to the radio today, an activity I generally avoid like warm feelings and charitable donations, and I heard the song “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry. Now don’t get me wrong, I love girls and the kissing thereof. Girls kissing other girls is one of my core election promises, I run on a platform of lesbianism.

There’s the thing though. My secret shame is that I have an addiction to terrible music, so I kinda like this song. I just think that she brought it too early. Take Madonna for example. She didn’t make out with Brittney until well into her career. There is a lesson for you Katy Perry, you revive a flagging career with girl on girl makeout sessions, you don’t START one. You have nowhere to go from here Katy. Unless you can step it up a notch somehow you are destined to fade into obscurity. If you want my advice, I suggest you name your next song “I fisted her up to here”.

Morrowind.

I liked Morrowind. Liked may not be the right word. I loved the everloving shit out of that game. I don’t even know what it was I loved about it so much. I loved this game, even though after the first 2 hours of play I found the second best sword in the game and proceeded to turn even the mightiest of ogre or demon to pass by into a fine red mist by merely swinging the sword in their general direction.

It was just so EASY. It might have had something to do with finishing the main questline and becoming a living god. Literally. No one gave a fuck though; downtrodden disease ridden peasants gave you no respect. “ZOMG you are the living god made flesh, your very presence fills me with unspeakable awe. Now please go and kill 9 rats and return to me for your 11 copper reward”.

Also, cliff racers. Best enemy in a game ever. Mostly because they had some SERIOUS balls. Here I am, a god walking on earth, a sword made of living flame, armour made of indestructible obsidian, with magical trinkets and spells falling out of my well protected ass. “Hey I’m a useless squarky bird thing, let’s attack!”

But the main reason it’s the best game ever? Two words: YOU ENWA!

Mirrabooka, freaks and Wizards Drum

Here’s something about me. I like to make the treck down to a nearby shopping center; Mirrabooka plaza, to hang out. Fuck yeah Mirrabooka! Seriously you are ever in Perth you should visit there. It's amazing. I go there specifically to laugh at the freaks. There is literally not one normal looking person there, and no one but me seems to notice. There will be a guy stumbling around with an axe lodged in his skull holding hands with a 37 year old man in a nappy, and they will receive no notice. Last week I went and saw a 400 pound fat lady scream at the kid at Wendy's ice cream for 10 mins in the middle of the isle. I lol'd. You should go. But make sure to pack a rape whistle.

Mirrabooka is defiantly made of win. My favorite part is Rape alley. So many women got raped there that finally they just concreted the alley and put up a wall. Also, the epic win of video easy. They moved into a demountable trailer outside the shopping center while their shop was getting renovated and the owners of the shops sold it to someone else behind their backs. Now they are forever banished to the parking lot outside. I of course lol'd.

Speaking of freaks, I'm kind of an expert; I spend alot of time scouting the best locations. I'm like the motherfucking Steve Irwin of fucktards. If you go to the south end of Grand Prom ave, and head down the street at the end, you find another hive of scum and villainy. We have come to the conclusion it’s a gateway between worlds. My cousin and I have named it Chomp alley after the old man that takes giant chomps with his jaw everytime he takes a step. One time on the way to work we noticed that an entire street that ran of Chomp alley was covered in a thick layer of yellow sand. On the way back the sand was gone and the street was completely clean. Every person that walks along that street is at least mildly retarded or disfigured in some way.

I guess since we were discussing Mirrabooka earlier I can segue into this:

This deserves to be the most viewed video of all time. It should wipe its balls with Rick Roll.

This fucking masterpiece of aural pleasure is Darren Hume, the DJ at Mirrabooka ice rink, "Skaters on ice". It was shown to me by my mate Cos, who worked with him and knows all his filthy secrets. Along with showing me the video he also told me the life story of the greatest man to ever drum while being a wizard.

His parents used to own the ice rink. He convinced them to give him $60k to fly to the US and make 2 music videos of his horrible songs. A fucking 35 year old man who still lives with his parents and hits on 15 year old girls at the rink. This bankrupted his parents who had to sell the rink, putting a huge strain on their marriage causing them to divorce. Now he has talked his mother into spending the last of her savings to open a nightclub where he will DJ and play nothing but his shitty music. If that happens I will fucking so be there every night. Drum in tow.

Now I'm a soulless creature with no human capacity for empathy so this is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. I would like outside opinion. So here’s the question. Is this awesome y/n?

If you search "Crocodile man" on YouTube you can find his other song, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t want to involuntarily walk into oncoming traffic. It's much, much worse. Although, nothing can beat the braingasm that watching Wizards Drum brings. "I move away from the drum to cast spellz" is all I could think of to reply with once I saw it.

Fuck I love the internets.