loltech

Greetings sir madam or miscellaneous.

Here’s a blog post!

So I need to write a new blog entry but I’m really lazy so I’m just going to document some of the text messages I’ve sent lately. Since I have a faggy Paris Hilton Sidekick phone with a QWERTY keyboard and unlimited free text messages and several things wrong with my brain area, whenever someone texts me I tend to reply in great, unnecessarily retarded detail. Here are some of my replies from the last 2 days.

1) I will write a blog tonight cunt, it’s going to be about how much I hate you and want to shit on your balls. Ballshitter is your new nickname btw.

2) I’ve always said you were a trendsetter. I’ve always said you were a cunt as well, looks like I’m right on both counts.

3) I’m just leaving Mandurah. Man every time I deliver to the City Farmers here I want to hit on the girl there, but I lose all ability to speak for no reason. She’s not even that hot. I just realised she is probably a witch. A lesbian witch, because I’m wearing a singlet and lifting shit slowly and sexily and getting no play at all! I’m going to burn her at the stake, right after I’m done picturing her making out with Hermione. Oh yeah I went to underage sex magic jokes. BRB, rubbing my crystal balls.

4) So I re-read that message I just sent you. I think I must have been dropped on my head repeatedly as a child, possibly onto some sort of crate containing refined stupid, because what the fuck?

5) If you keep reading my goddamn retardation to the girls at your work none of them are ever going to fuck me! “Oh it’s that guy who escaped from some sort of mental facility!” When in reality I escaped from an advanced futuristic government science lab where I was the result of an experiment to design and construct the ultimate cyborg fantasy of females worldwide. And yes, before you ask, I do have a robotic cock that shoots lasers. And yes, I do use it to fight crime.

So there you have it, documented proof of my advanced stage of cancer of the sanity gland. All of these messages were to the same person as well. Good old Cos. His blog is here btw, where you can see more of my spastication as I stalk him and comment on every post he makes.

So, I’ve decided to follow in the footsteps of my good friend Cos and fuck a bunch of loose sluts, eat a double breast burger combo with egg and cheese from Nando’s, and most importantly, write a blog. Here goes!

Hi. Yeah it’s been a while. In my defence, FUCK YOU! What have I been doing in all this time between updates? Curing cancer? Fighting crime? Inventing a machine that can cure cancer then fight crime? No, pretty much just been sleeping, masturbating, and playing WoW.

Yes, its all go around here I tell you what. So I’m going to try and update this blog at least once a week. Cos swears he is going to do his daily, but fuck that. I don’t do enough interesting shit to fill a 3 paragraph blog YEARLY let alone every fucking day. Jesus.

Hmm, what have I done lately? Ummm, did I mention masturbation and WoW? Oh yeah. Oh I left out the gym, I go to the gym every day as well. Hey, here is an embarrassing story about the gym, and also about how fucking smooth I am with the lady types.

So one day a few months back when I first signed up I was on the exercise bike peddling away when I hear a familiar song. I look around and this fucking ultra hot babe next to me is cycling with her ipod on. I can hear that she is listening to the Top Gun theme. She notices me staring at her and she takes her headphones out to ask what I’m smiling at. I say: “Oh I was just smiling at the song you are listening to. Hey, my name is Justin, but you can call me Maverick”. She gives me a look of utter disgust, puts her headphones back on and goes back to riding. Oh yeah, I crashed and burned. On reflection, I probably should have said I was Goose.

So there you have it, a blog post. I’m trying to write an article, but the fucking drugs still aren’t out of my system yet and my funny isn’t back. But it’s getting there, so look forward to that video I promised 17 fucking months ago, and also a fascinating and in-depth article on the amazing cultural phenomenon that is “Stuntin like my daddy” by the warrior poet Lil Wayne and his mentor, the great philosopher Birdman. Vroooo indeed Birdman, Vrooooo indeed.