loltech

Welcome to the all new and unimproved loltech.org! I’m still your host, Vice-President of Awesome Affairs; Imasen! So what’s changed? Well the site is no longer designed by a bi-polar diabetes having, colourblind, socially retarded narcissist with a chip on his shoulder and a sugar free redbull in his hand. No, no it’s designed by that guy’s fat friend. That’s right; it’s time to welcome a new addition to the loltech family. Joining the all new superpowered roster of me, my giant noveltry sized penis and the staff of handlers required to transport me and it, is the world’s most fattest fucking fat Fatson: FATSON! Ladies, you may already know him as “Will somebody get this fat hairy beast off me! EWWW did you just pull your dick out? WE’RE IN THE FROZEN FOODS ISLE YOU FUCK!” To everyone else he’s known as Fatson. Well, mainly just to me because I am a cunt and I named him that, but I’m sure it will catch on. Especially since I tell every person I meet almost as fast as he tells them I have diabetes. Yes, it’s a running joke to him that he lets every single person we run into the second we meet about my horrible disease. Luckily, while my insulin dependency hides silently in my bloodstream like a microscopic ninja, his fatsonality is on display for all to see. So yeah, everybody give a warm loltech welcome to Mr. Fatson Theodore Fatson, Esquire. So what does Fatson do? Well he spends most of his day obsessing over a hot girl at his work that he will NEVER get to fuck in a billion years, and creepily stroking to her facebook pictures while sniffing the giant ball of her hair he’s constructed by stealing strands from her comb daily. Oh you mean on the site? Well he designed the new layout. He’s also a guest star in the ongoing adventures of Fatson and Byron, a series of videos and self help articles chronicling our escapades. Oh and he has a blog as well, but don’t bother reading it, I can sum it up: emo, girls, rap, emo girls, balls, rap. Not enough rap though. Seriously cunt, drop a track already.

Other than the new look and layout, I have a bunch of exciting new content! Yes that’s right, during my absence, I not only spent my time masturbating during every free second, I actually spent some time writing! By the quality of the material you will probably assume not much, and you’d be correct! I wrote half this stuff in one redbull filled afternoon while Fatson sat behind me on his computer “helping” by playing music videos of songs so bad that they are considered war crimes by The Hague. So cut me some slack if everything sucks balls. You can address all complaints to the soft fleshy parts of Fatson’s torso.

Alright motherbitches, let’s get this fucker started! First up, we have the new Fatson and Byron section. In this section you will find videos and articles Fatsonio and I have collaborated on. Sure, it’s pretty empty right now, mainly because my video editing skills are about as well rounded as my knowledge of Norwegian music and culture. That is to say, not much I guess? That’s it Justin, if you can’t think of anything funny just be obscure and pointless! That’s how the greats do it. Annnnnyway, yeah this section is undergoing construction, as Japanese scientists have yet to invent a camera lens that can fit all of Fatson’s massive bulk in frame, mostly because they spend all their time and resources constructing robots to molest schoolgirls, and fighting Godzilla. In the future, when I’m not busy riding my jetpack to my job at the laser factory, this section will contain videos of our adventures into the wilderness that is Perth’s shopping and culture districts, as well as more specialized videos such as my planned “Fatson and Byron’s guide to seduction” where we secretly film ourselves hitting on women, and them hitting on us. With pepperspray and tasers. This section also now contains this blog as well as Fatsonio’s. I haven’t told him yet, but I’m integrating it into my site. I guess he’s reading this now so basically SUCK IT FATSON, I own your ass. Eww, let me rephrase that, I now am in possession of your blog and all its affiliated offshoots. Excluding your 49% stake in slutswithnuts.com.

Next up we have a section I like to call “State of the art” over on the information and navigation page. Partly because I’m a stupid prick, but mostly because it’s the awesome name of the awesome new album from the awesome Aussie hip hop crew Hilltop Hoods. Awesome. Yes, this entire section is about hip hop music. In the vein of this article (which nobody read so I’m going to pretend I just wrote and am debuting it now) I’m going to talk about the tragedies in my all time favorite genre of music. Don’t get me wrong, I love hip hop. But when there is an artist that goes by the name of “J.T Tha Bigga Figga”, some changes need to be made. Mostly to the face and scrotal region of the person who made their rap name J.T Tha Bigga Figga. This section is a semi weekly blog about news of a retarded nature in the world of hip hop, and occasionally music in general. Nothing up there just yet, but I’m working on it. Where is the trust people?

Distraction!

We also now have a miscellaneous section for shit that doesn’t go anywhere else, like my still being worked on even though I started like 2 months ago, based on a true story tale of my great great great great great great Grandfather, Awesomediah Hamill. There isn’t even anything there yet, so no link for you. Yeah ok sure, this paragraph isn’t very exciting but let’s balance that out by adding a half naked picture of pornstar Brittney Skye.

Apart from that, I’ve added two new articles over on the fucking astoundingly originally named “articles” page. Yeah, that shit is still around. So is the review section. Nothing new going on there yet, but there will be. Settle down children, there’s only so much writing I can do before I have to stop and masturbate a few times to the pile of Shona’s hair I’ve collected and fashioned in to her aproximate shape. We also have a new mini blog over on the about me page, to go with the old fashioned maxi-blog (that sounds like a feminine hygiene product for obese women). The mini blog is just sort of quick top of my head thoughts when I don’t have enough material for a full blog, as well as shit I’ve been up to, and updates on my fucking diabetes! Aww yeah negro, want to know how low my bloodsugar can go before I slip into a coma? SO DO I! Basically, this section is an excuse for me to not do anything interesting, as one paragraph articles is the most you can write about sitting in an armchair watching House and downloading porn. Mostly though, this section should be avoided generally as it will probably contain large amounts of emo whining. I can’t always be funny, but I do always want to write. Look man, I have to cry somewhere ok? So yeah, anyway NEW ARTICLES! The first one is all about trying to figure out ideas I’ve written down and can’t remember what the fuck I was talking about later. Peep it. The second one will be up soon, it’s on RPGs, or for the people among you who DON’T have spider-man bedsheets and a life-size cardboard cutout of Boba Fett, role playing games. Yeah man, I did an article about role playing games ok? What do you want from me fuckers, I’m a nerd! Consider yourselves lucky I didn’t just delete the whole site and replace it with a montage of images of Captain America fighting a Klingon in front of the box-art from Halo 2!

So there you have the major changes to the brand new semi functional loltech.org. Tell your friends fuckers, it’s getting real. No longer do I want to spend my days hauling large amounts of heavy things by hand while being burnt by acids and pitied by homeless people at my day job, I’m going hard with this writing shit. Will I make money from my terrible jokes? Probably not. But have you SEEN Good News Week? If those unfunny fucks can, why not I? Probably because I’m way too attractive for tv. Yeah, let’s go with that for now.

Alright kids, that’s enough out of me for now, I’ve got to go and queue up my next 50 gigs of gross fetish porn that I totally didn’t just mention on a site people I know read. Feel free to browse around the place and get to know the new styles. Contact me at Imasen@loltech.org with any feedback or offers of oral pleasure you may have, offer excludes all Darnells. Leave a comment in the comment section (duh) if you like as well, if I can activate it without getting spammed 3000 times by online casinos and advertisements for buttplugs. Welcome back to loltech.org!

Imasen out.

Greatest.