loltech

Holy fuckballs!

It’s been almost a year since I last updated this site. Um, sorry?

In my defense, shut up. Like 3 people read this site anyway, and I hate 2 of them. I really, really hate the third. Have fun trying to work out which one you are!

Anyway, I’ve wanted to write the whole time, just not as much as I’ve wanted to read comics or jerk off. Well today I’ve read all my comics and jerked off twice so I’m going to go ahead and throw up a blog post. I wrote this on Friday in my professional and creative writing class. What, you thought I was going to do something especially for the site? Lol? Yeah, no. Hopefully in the future, considering I pretty much quit my job and went back to uni for the simple fact that I would be FORCED to write, but for now; RECYCLED SHIT I WROTE IN 20 MINUTES!

Yes, this was an in class writing exercise on sensual writing. Now of course when I first read “sensual writing” I obviously assumed I’d be writing a first person account of the day in the life of my penis, or an numbered list of my all time favorite blowjobs. No, apparently sensual writing means writing using all of your senses. For instance, if I were to describe Fatson, I wouldn’t just talk about how fat he looks, I’d have to make mention of how bad he smells too. We were supposed to use sensual writing to describe a place we often visit. The people around me were choosing places like nightclubs, the beach or sporting stadiums. I being the giant fucking retarded nerd I am, picked a comic store. What the fuck is wrong with me? My uni is made up of a ratio of three girls to every guy, and my class is made up of a ratio of 15 vaginas to every me, and I go and write about comics. I may as well cast my dick in gold and have it displayed in the National Museum of Never Getting Used Again. They can stick it between my common sense, and my recently discarded capacity to ever love a woman again.

Anyway, enough useless preamble. Time for the useless main event. I will probably shove anything I write for uni up here instead of actual original content, because it gives me an excuse to update, but it will hopefully also inspire me to do some real fucking writing again, as currently the only things I ever write are messages to girls on facebook, and the URLs of pornsites I’m visiting into internet explorer. So, sit back and enjoy some crap I wrote in 20 minutes during a class last week.

As you enter the wide open double doors of Quality Comics Perth, you are greeted by a rickety stairway that looks as if it was constructed in the early bronze age in a spirit of co-operation between structural engineers and head injuries. The carpet covering the steps is worn away in patches, and the handrail glistens with what could only be the accumulated buildup of years of pimply comic book nerd sweat. As I walk down onto the first step, it creaks as if to say “you are the fattest fucking guy in the world”. Fuck you judgemental stair case, I’m only like the 4th or 5th.

At the bottom of the stairs you enter the main floor of the store, and are immediately assaulted with the pungent aroma of virginity and failure. Looking around the walls, you see posters of various comics and comic related paraphernalia covering brickwork that hasn’t seen a coat of paint since the Kennedy administration. The second thing you hear, the first thing being your pathetic sobs of loneliness and the realisation you are a disappointment to your parents, is some sort of weird tribal drum music blasting at volume several times over the limit needed to drive you to suicide. The music seems specially designed to force you into a berserk kill frenzy, but it is balanced by the fact that everyone in the store is a nerd, and a berserk nerd rage pretty much just means angry blog posts and punched Chewbacca dolls.

Aaaaaaaaaaand that is all I wrote. Wow, it really looked longer on the page. That was like two paragraphs! That isn’t enough for a blog. Especially not after a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR. Goddamn it, I thought I was being all clever and shit, using stuff I already wrote. Now I need to fucking write some more crap. Alright fine, let’s just start typing and see what happens.

Oh wait, I have an idea. Let’s try this: So now may I present a selection of pictures taken on my phone camera by me, all of fucking assrupturingly bad numberplates. See how far you can get before you punch a hole through your screen. I went through 14 monitors, 3 TVs and  the skull of a small Asian child I paid to look at the pictures for me, just while uploading them here. Rest in peace Leong Chang, I wish we could have seen Paris together, one last time.

See you on the other side! Maybe!

I'd like to Imprezya with my stabbin skills

HAV TAT? You have a tattoo? Is that what you are telling me? HAV HED INJERY might be more pertinent information.

TOWZILA. Looking at this picture closely it appears that I am in Midland. It explains SO MUCH.

10 extra retard points if the person this belongs to is names Taylor. First, because they spelled their names wrong, and second because shut up.

This pictures speaks for itself. And what is says is BLARGHELGURGL!! because the speech centre of it's brain has been replaced with a t-shirt that says "I'm with stupid".

Apparently this guy needed all the children he lures in to the back of his car to know he is DUN PLAYN.

SMACK IT. I was fucking tempted to, trust me. Fun fact: I have no idea who's car I took that from, but it isn't mine. But apparently I can take time from my grand theft auto to take photos of stupid numberplates. How you use this information is up to you.

It's the pink background that really drives home how much I fucking hope the slut who owns this gets ovarian cancer and dies slowly and painfully, hopefully while being gang-raped in a Taiwanese prison.

Thanks for clearing that up bitch. Now I know exactly who to send the anthrax letter to. That really cuts back on my murder time.

There is a one in one hundred thousand chance that the woman who owns this car ISN'T fat. Bonus: My finger. For the Ladies.

JEDI NITE? Yeah man, because when you think of the ancient order of warrior scholars that wield swords made from LASERS and shoot LIGHTNING from their motherfucking hands, your immediate second thought is fucking TOYOTA CAMRY.

This one is hard to see, which is pretty lucky actually, because it says DUXNUT. If I were any closer there is no way either of us would have survived. Just looking at it now is making me hate both ducks AND testicles, two of natures greatest creations. Well three I guess. Too soon?

R3TALI8R. I'm just going to come out and say this. If you get a custom numberplate it should be legal for me to drag you kicking and screaming from your car and burn you alive. But if you have numbers in place of letters on your plate, it should be illegal for me NOT TO.

Why does this exist? Who thinks "hey, after I'm done drinking from this bottle I found under the sink, I should take my dick out of this watermelon and go get ALLCLASS put on my numberplate! I'm surprised they gave me a license at all, what with my mother being my sister and all. Hey, Australian Idol is on!".

BE MY WMN? Who wouldn't want to drive around all day in a singles ad? This is like writing your phone number on the wall of a toilet stall of a motor home.

Hey you made it! Good for you. Oh I forgot to mention, by clicking on my site you agreed to forfeit any rights to sue me for a new monitor. Ladies, you also agreed to forfeit your underwear. Now I’m not a lawyer, but I think that means you have to takes pictures of yourselves naked and send them to me. Hey, don’t get mad at me girls, I don’t make the law, I just enforce it. And yes, that last part WAS me subtly hinting to you that I’m into rough, dominating sex. And yes, that last part WAS me blatantly telling you I’m into rough, dominating sex. Wow, this paragraph really got away from me at the end there. MOVING ON.

So check this idea out, I’m thinking of starting up an online store here on loltech.org. You know, maybe a shirt with my face on it, signed pictures of me doing a benchpress, shit like that. Oh, how about this? For the ladies: for a mere $1000 I’ll send you a lifesize bronze replica of my wang. Get them quick, because with my intense daily routine of cock pushups and dong raises, it wont be long until the demand for my shiny bronze dicks drive the world metal prices to a record high. Hey, so when you woke up today I bet you didn’t think you’d be reading the words “shiny bronze dicks”. I like to keep you guessing here at loltech. Just one of the many services I provide. Read the last paragraph to see some of the others.

In other news, after 6 years of residence, I finally moved out of the Rape-Pit, and into share housing with my cousin, and Fatson. At first, I lived outside in a converted garage, and while it was cold, smelled like ass juice, and I had to cross the entire backyard at night to go inside if I wanted to piss, at least it had a lock on the door, unlike all the rooms inside. Back then I didn’t have to use some fucking Viet Cong guerrilla tactics shit every time I wanted to jerk off. Fuck man, if I feel the need to punish my dick at any time in the house during the day, I have to dig fucking spike pits and set up trip wires and shit. Unfortunately the big ass storm of a few months back CAVED IN THE ROOF of the lockable garage I was in, and I was forced to move inside into what can only be described as comically undersized storage closet. And a 6′5 guy who spends 6 days in the week in the gym does NOT really do well in a single bed, especially when that single bed is propped upright against a wall so it can fit in the room. Good news though! We are getting kicked out in like a month! YAY! I CAN’T WAIT TO BE HOMELESS! Although I guess going from living in a closet to living in a box will be a relatively smooth transition. That reminds me, I really have to go and carve myself a hobo knife.

Look at that now. A new blog post up on loltech. I bet you thought you’d never see the fucking day. You fucking faithless fuck! Look man, It was a weird year for me ok? Love, loss, a slow motion fight scene, a car chase, all the classics. And hey, I don’t see YOU spinning comedy gold anywhere DO I? Huh? Anyway, hopefully with uni as fuel I can actually improve upon the YEARLY update schedule. Hey, I’ve already written a script for a youtube video, so you might even get fucking QUARTERLY updates! Jesus fuck, CAN I BE STOPPED?

Actually I can. Right now.

Justin OUT.