fatson and byron

The Fatson page

This mans penis has magical powers, or so I heard, I don't actually know first hand....as far as I know anyway, although there was that time I woke up in a Guatemalan shooting gallery covered in blood, naked from the wait down and missing a week of memory. Fatson, you didn't have anything to do with that did you? What powers does it possess? Well, apart from the fact that he will only fuck crazy bitches, he once mad a girl cry by beating her with it. Seriously, it happened. We are writing a hit song about the occasion: "makin girlz crah wit mah deek" a country style hoedown jam. it's going to be the second single on our album "Fatson and Byron Present: songs in the key of Rape" the first single "Rape Whistle" will be available on itunes on July 14th.

Not many people know this about Fatson, but he was actually adopted by a kindly Italian family. His real parents are Satan, and the physical manifestation of the sound a cat makes when you pull off its nuts with pliers. True story. How do I know this information? Lets just say I have a source in the underground. Literally, the dude works for Fatson's dad down in hell. I get all sorts of juicy info on Fatson here. For instance, did you know that he has sequentially fucked every species of animal on earth in reverse alphabetical order? It's true. Or that his testicles were replaced at birth with live scorpions programmed only to awaken when he reads the word "salamander"? Whoops. Eh, what are the chances he will read this. Wait, did anyone else hear that? It sounded like somebody screaming in pain while being stung by scorpions on the INSIDE of their ballbag. But that's just crazy-talk. It was probably just a really screamy gust of wind.

Anyway, back on subject, nobody likes Fatson.

I was going to let Fatson type some stuff of his own on here, but when I called him to get an answer he screamed something about hospitals and scorpion anti venoms or something. He wasn't making sense so I hung up and changed my number. But lets be honest for a second, the dude can barely construct a sentence that isn't about homoeroticism. And I'm pretty sure my writings are gay enough without getting his gross juices all over it. ANYWAY, if you suffer a massive brain embolism and want to read some of his writings you can head here to his site. Just be warned. While the content of my site is approved by the Australian Government, the Chancellor of France, and both of Jessica Alba's breasts, anything on his blog isn't approved by anyone, I don't even think he approves of it himself.

Ok so while those things up there are true in the sense that they AREN' T (apart from makin girlz crah wit his deek, that totally happened) these next thing are true, in the sense that they ARE. He once convinced a girl to let him feel her up, then leave her quadriplegic boyfriend for him, and when she did he told her he wasn't interested anymore. Fact. What else, oh yes, he is what we all aspire to be when we grow up: a manslut. The last place we both worked at, which I talked about here, was a cesspool of depravity and disgust. I mean, when you spend your whole day moderating messages from rapists, weird fetishists and insane lunatic fuckbags who jack off to other peoples socks (oh yeah, it was a popular topic of conversation on the message boards), then your outlook tends to get a bit warped. It's not his fault that the girls wanted to sleep with him, most of the other dudes had various mental conditions, or were like me at the time; fat. One guy was a homicidal maniac, one guy thought he was a secret agent, and another guy looks like he is constructed entirely out of hair and syphilis. That left slim pickings for the girls, and since Fatson is such a good guy, he had no choice but to help them out. With his penis. This trend continued onto his new job, where he fucked a busload of the "C" list girls, but he is currently suffering in the hell of the friendzone of the hottest girl there. I suggested rape, but apparently it's frowned apon at his workplace. I know right? Also, along with the no rape policy THEY MAKE HIM WEAR A COLLARED SHIRT. It may as well be Nazi Germany.

Anyway, there you have an insight into the world of Fatson Theodore Fatson, Esquire. Feel free to commence hating him........NOW. Expect to see some of our adventures soon.