reviews

Stuntin' Like My Daddy

When scientists look back from 1000 years in the future, this song and accompanying video will be regarded as the crowning achievement of our primitive caveman culture. I spend at least an hour each day trying to decipher what the fuck is going on in this song, and I have come to the conclusion if you can crack the mystery of Stuntin Like My Daddy, then all of life's secrets will be revealed, or as birdman eloquently puts it: "bitch we was born hustlers".

THE SONG

Just a quick mention of the beat before we get started, its bad. It sounds like the battle theme from Command and Conquer. Also, what the fuck is with that YEAH EHH EHH EHH fucking ghost sounding noise in the chorus?

Birdman's verse is the most amazing thing to ever happen in music. I have listened to it thousands of times, and I still don't know what the fuck is going on. I looked up the lyrics on the internet and while the words made sense out of context, IN context they are a frightening glimpse into the mind of a physcopath. What the FUCK is an "uptown Hunnah"? Please somebody tell me, It's driving me insane. "On stunnah island dollar after dollar, flippin chickens getting tickets want the money and the power". So those are all words the can be used in sentences to communicate thoughts and ideas, that is of course the basis of all language, but in the order that Birdman has chosen to place them all it does is crack open my skull and take a steaming shit directly onto my cerebellum. WHAT THE FUCK BIRDMAN? WHAT ARE YOU TALKNG ABOUT! ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT? Oh yeah and at 2.08? "ICE CHUNK". That is all.

While Weezy's verses are not as inexplicably amazing as Birdman's, they are still contain some classic lines that should be remembered. Here is a fun game to play next time you are hitting on a girl, answer every question she asks with a line from the first verse of this song. If she asks you where you live answer with "where I'm from I see a fuckin dead body everyday". If she asks you what you do for a living reply with "bitch I'm paid, that's all I gotta say" or possibly even "I'm sitting high, a gangsta ride blades". When she inevitably asks you what the ever-loving fuckery is coming out of you mouth, don't worry she is just hating. Let her know that sort of talk doesn't phase you; "can't see you lil nigga, the money in the way". By this time it will be like the Niagara fucking falls down in her nether regions, so get her number and tell her "hoe I gotta go, I got my motorcycle jacket and my motorcycle loafs". Thanks Weezy, your words of wisdom inspire us all.

Some other moments of aural goodness; at 3.20 Weezy asks you to show him his opponent, and you can tell he's fucking serious about it because he asks again, this time while enjoying a mouthful of a tasty salad, or more likely, Birdman's nutsack. "If there's a throne, you're looking at the chairman" is the only line in the song that could be considered good in a song that isn't a fucking parody of itself, but then 3 lines later its ruined by the fucking genius line "I am a motorcycle boy so I'm about to pop a wheelie". Really Lil Wayne? Really? You're a motorcycle boy so you're about to pop a wheelie? You are happy with that are you? Well Weezy, I'm a internet blogger boy and I'm about to nail a fucking spike through my dick to get my mind off how fucking bad that line was. I hope you are fucking happy Weezy, you get to pop cool wheelies and all I get to do is bleed from my fucking cock.

THE VIDEO

The song itself is a work of pure art, but its only half the story. No article on Stuntin Like My Daddy can be complete without delving into the mindshatteringly amazing videoclip. As with the song itself, I have no idea what the fuck is going on, in fact the first time I watched it I blacked out and awoke with a mean boner and leaking some kind of yellow fluid from my tear ducts, and had no memory of what had transpired. Till this day after many, MANY repeated viewing's I still cant explain what is happening. I think they are escaping the cops on motorbikes for some reason, but everything after that has no explanation.

There are some girls at random parts in the video but I'm fairly certain they were photoshopped in at a later date when the record execs saw the clip and came to the conclusion it might be among the most homoerotic things ever caught on film. A musclebound cowboy in assless chaps slowly and sexily rubbing oil over a sweaty naked man dressed as a sailor would be 3 to 4 times less than gay this clip.

Birdman has his shirt on the ENTIRE clip, except for at 1.29 when he is alone with 2 children. Yeah. Also, what the fuck is with those children? My cousin Cam and I came to the conclusion that they were supposed to be little remixes of Weezy and Birdman, but I guess they couldn't find a 10 year old boy with dreads, so they just grabbed a girl to play Weezy instead.

From the very start up until about 1.30 everytime it cuts to Lil Wayne rapping his lil heart out, Birdman is in the back counting a stack of money. Look cunt, I know instead of school you spent your youth shooting people in the face and selling narcotics, but it doesn't take that long to count one stack. Then he throws it at the camera, which was a bad move because he was only halfway through counting and he then has to start back from the start again. Jesus Birdman.

At 2.37 Birdman cries.

At 2.50 Birdman lovingly places a red bandana on Weezys left shoulder, then at 2.55 he gently places one on the other. He is so fast and stealthy that Wayne does not notice this at all, so at least if Birdman's rap career fails he can always use his proven skills to become a deadly ninja assassin.

At 3.02 Weezy urgently requires custard. Don't worry if you don't know what this means, Only Cam and I do, and possibly some trained mental professionals.

At 3.38 they park their car then start running away while a helicopter circles. I assume its a police chopper but why would they get out in the middle of a giant parking lot and run if a chopper is overhead? Why? I'll tell you why. It probably has something to do with the giant and pointless kick-ass explosion. Why explode their car? A better question is WHY NOT? It turned out well for them, because 1 year later they are randomly counting a giant pile of money. Poor Birdman, I've already mentioned how long it took to count that one stack, this pile is going to take him the rest of his ice chunkin life.

At 3.56, right after the pointlessly kick ass-explosion, Birdman and Lil Wayne politely request that you masturbate furiously.

At 4.13 we can see an amazingly obvious stunt double, as I'm fairly certain Birdman has never even seen a motorbike. Eagle eye viewers will notice its the exact same shot they used at 0.21.

So there you have it, an in depth look at the greatest contribution to human history, and a brief look into the insane pit of blackness that is my fucking skull. Come back next time for detailed review on what it feel like inside the hot blonde personal trainer at my gym, or if that doesn't go according to plan, what the inside of jail is like.